Procastination is my biggest downfall. It’s as if I am searching for that hidden key, the one with my name written on it that will at long last unlock and unleash the person I was born to be and become one of them. Who? You know, the successful ones that are ‘up there’ telling everyone else how they did it and how we can all do it too.

There is plenty of advice out there and all very attractive, especially those who will let you into their secret world and tell it for how it really is, and for that $9.95 a monthly subscription, you will have inspiration and ideas just pouring into you as you can finally walk on water and do exactly what they did.

Now, I’m not knocking their ideas as I truly believe that through expressing and sharing our talents, we are serving ourselves as well as being service to others through inspiring those to become the people they need to be. As I write, I wonder if I’ll do the same when I’m ‘there’. However, the point I’m making here is that there is a limit. You’ll know if you are one of them when you are dreaming, thinking, planning, visualizing, praying, chanting, talking, wishing (you get my point) more than you are DO-ing. There comes a time when you have bought enough self-help books, listened to endless CD’s on how to hypnotise yourself into believing you really are worth the effort and drank enough carrot juice for that total cleanse that you no longer need to go out into the sun for that orange glow. That time tells you, that the time is NOW. You may feel that you are playing at it, but whatever you need to do, start doing, and make it become real.

My husband once said a very poignant (and blunt) thing to me as I was reading my Angel Cards, one morning:

“how many packs of cards do you need to shuffle before you listen to what you have to say”.

It hurt and did put me on the defensive, because I loved the time in the morning when I would sit there in my dressing-gown and anticipate the future, but mostly because I knew what he was saying was true. I was thinking, more than doing, more asking, than knowing, and more seeking, than finding. I was in love with the prospect of uncovering a secret, of finding out more about myself, and a world that I didn’t know. That is all very well, but I had left a very well paying job, in order to find my purpose, and to be my own boss. At some point, I knew there had to be some action, in the meantime, I was searching hard, for something within, that still seemed to be a secret. The secret of success.

However, if I was to continue to see things in this light, then this is how they would remain, a secret.

What is it within us, that longs for a secret, a mystery? What would our world be like if there was no mystery, no need for science, no need for clairvoyants, psychics or wise men. What if we all just ‘knew’? Why are we so afraid to believe in ourselves? What need is there within us to maintain the illusion that we do not know, and be afraid of becoming all that we can be?

Perhaps that if things just ‘were’ with no secret to unfold, then we would have no choice but to just ‘be’. We would have to express ourselves for who we truly were, see ourselves in honesty for better or worse and believe that all we had was a creation of our own doing. And what would that mean? It would mean that we would have to take full responsibility for ourselves, our lives, and our relationships and our contribution to our home, mother earth. Yeah, I can see why we might be afraid.

So, what if I knew for sure, 100% guaranteed, get my money back, no questions asked, that if I released the fear, and just did it anyway, then I would create the life for myself beyond my wildest dreams? Would I hand in my resignation for my day job, there and then, and start enjoying life, being who I really am, contributing to in a more meaningful way? Where do I sign?

We’ve been told that when you are operating from a place of creativity, and vibrating inspiration, of love, peace and beauty, then you will attract all of these things in return. It cannot be of any other way. It’s your choice. It’s called free-will.

Why did the interest in one of many books about the universal law of attraction become so successful? It was called ‘The Secret. Very clever.

At the Health Shop where I was working, we wrote on our board outside the shop ‘The Secret is out’ and certainly attracted more than the usual amount of customers, who just had to know “what’s the secret?”

I was surprised to find myself becoming slightly irritated, that everyone was talking about The Secret, as if man had landed on mars and it was breaking news. It became my mission that for everyone who came into the shop to ask for The Secret, they also had to walk off another book such as Ask and it is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks (and Abraham), or the Little Book of Abundance by John Randolph Price. Even the 20% discount I got at the shop, was not going to persuade me to buy it.

I was aware that I was developing a problem and I needed to know what it was. This had never happened before and I knew that my adverse reaction was a sign that there was something within myself that needed to be acknowledged. So, I asked: what is it within me that does not want to know ‘The Secret’. I waited, and then forgot I was waiting.

My husband’s comments about me investing more effort into my search for ‘the truth’, and not ‘getting on with it’ cut to the quick. A few hours later, after a polite and fragile courtship with a duel-driven supermarket trolley, I sat to read a book I had bought a while back about How to Write. It’s supposed to be quite easy: pen on paper, or fingers on keyboard. But no, it MUST be more difficult than that! I stopped after chapter one. I knew that reading more was only putting off, that which had to be done. The answer was becoming clearer.

It was through my writing that the words gushed out of me, with a huge sigh of relief. I realized that I had become too dependent on external sources for the validation that I was in connection with the power within, and that I could achieve the very things I was wanting, if only I demonstrated some courage. I was looking very hard, for the answer, the key that would release my potential, that would unleash me in all my glory, no doubt about it. Then the ah-ha moment came and I remembered my relationship with ‘The Secret’.

The Secret, was marketed remarkably well, and as a result captured the attention of more people who were looking to be reminded of the inherent power that lies within. ‘The Secret’ and every other offering on self-improvement available, provides an opportunity and choice for us all to find our way. For me, ‘The Secret’ symbolically represented my search for truth, that through its offering of insight and inspiration had the power to set me free. Yet, what had recently started to manifest, was a power that was keeping me captive in the endless search for self-approval, and had me spending as if there was no tomorrow. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to become an addict.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that whilst you are waiting for that miracle of self-belief, that will instantaneously propel you into the future that you have created in your dreams, you might as well make a start with the life you intend, whilst you’re waiting.

So what are you procrastinating about? Where are you holding back, in fear that you’ll never make it, or you’ll never be good enough? What are you waiting for? If you’re waiting for a guarantee that you won’t fail, you’re going to be waiting a long time. It’s your choice. It’s called free-will.

I’m going to give it a go, and see what happens.

The Brahma Kumaris are a worldwide organization committed to the transformation of the self through meditation and change of thought processes. Having found a leaflet in the library, I enrolled for the Positive Thinking course. I had never heard of this group before, and was pleasantly surprised to see that they offered free courses on spiritual development and stress-free living. Being wary of any spiritual movement unknown to me, in fear of being positively-persuaded to eat raw vegetables for the rest of my life, the fact that the leaflet cited ‘no obligation’ sounded just like what I was looking for.

It turned out that I was the only one who had enrolled. After work, I walked down into the center of Cambridge, whether the office was based. Evenings in the middle of Cambridge were beautiful, with the historic buildings. Strolling down the street, still in my suit trousers from work, although having changed into some more comfortable footwear, I felt purposeful.

My first thought when Amanda rang me to check whether the start time was ok was “why are they running the course just for me?” Later it became clear as I learnt that one of the teachings of the Brahma Kumaris in the quest for spiritual enlightenment, is to give of themselves in service for others – and one person can make a difference to the world.

The building was tastefully decorated in creams and pastel greens, and as I walked up the stairs to the room where Amanda and I were heading for our class, I could see rooms of different sizes of to the left and right, including one larger room with about 50 velvet covered chairs, all lined up in rows, in anticipation of a speaker. I could imagine the room filled with people and I wondered what drew them there. As if sensing my wonder, Amanda told me that the Brahma Kumaris met there every morning at 5am for meditation.

We talked about my beliefs and questions I had accumulated to date. Is there a pre-destined purpose, have I lived other, many lives, did I exist before this body and will I after this body, is my life pre-destined? The answer to all these questions, was yes.

According to the B.K’s life is one long play and we are the actors. The drama and scenes that show up in our play reflect what we need to learn from life in order to spiritually evolve. Whatever we experience is “accurate” in terms of the play.

Looking back, my personal interpretation of the principle of the ‘accurate drama’ is Divine Order. That is, wherever we are now in our path, is most perfect as we are living the life that we have manifested for ourselves. The lessons we are learning, the experiences we have, the people we meet, is all because we have created it into our existence, and as a result, is most perfect, regardless of whether you interpret what you have created as good or bad. Divine order does not recognize good or bad, that’s a judgment from our ego that we apply to ourselves because we sense that we are moving towards or away from something. That ‘something’ is the divine, and it just IS.

We talked about the ‘drama’ playing itself out in my life and what it could teach me about the lessons I needed to learn. I choose something I considered ‘small’, for fear of going to deep and personal with someone I wasn’t quite sure of.

I shared with Amanda how the noise coming from the kid’s playing in the car park, next door to our house would irritate me and make me feel anxious. I wanted to sit in my garden and listen to the birds and not hear a single word from anyone beyond the boundary of our garden. Amanda explained that according to eastern belief, this drama being played out was part of my karma, that by demanding peace and serenity and by placing my internal happiness on material things or people around me, this lack of peace would continue to show up in my life until I resolved the issue within myself.

I started to look out for other drama’s within my life that were a sign that I needed to do some internal resolution. If things in our outward life were all symbolic representations of our internal state of being, then I needed to be observant.

A few months back we had decided that in order to help save some money for our move to New Zealand, I would return my nice new lease car, which also attracted a nice monthly payment, and purchased a much older, and reliable work-horse with cash. However, despite increasing the amount we could save each month, I continuously worried about not having enough money and would spend time thinking of ways in which we could attract more. Around this time, our reliable work-horse started to get sick and took some time to get started in the mornings. The prospect of having to buy a new car made it feel like our dream was moving farther and farther away. It seemed the more I worried, the worse it got and one Saturday morning, it just wouldn’t start. We had the car looked at and the problem couldn’t be found.

That was it. I’d had enough of worrying about our lack of savings and refused to let it continue to bother me. Remembering what Amanda had said, I contemplated on what was happening with the car. It came to me that the car was a symbolic representation of our dream to move to New Zealand and specifically, the need for sufficient finances in order to do this. The car became increasingly worse as I become increasingly worried about money. I needed to release the need to place my internal happiness on things in the material world.

Whilst I wasn’t sure that angels were part of the Brahma Kumaris movement, they had become a part of my life, so mixing the two, decided to get out my angel card deck and asked for guidance on the matter. After drawing out the ‘Release and Surrender’ card and having an “I know, I know” moment, I prayed and surrendered my worries about money to them and asked them to help with a resolution.

I truly felt a sense of relief and burden lift from my shoulders and knew that we would make it to New Zealand and we would have the money to do so. All I had to do was to trust, and wait. Well, the very next morning, Norman jumped out of bed with an ‘unusual idea’ and went outside. I can’t remember what he did, but whatever the idea was – it worked, and the car was back up on and running. Now, regardless of any rational explanation, all I know; is that I truly released my concerns, the physical manifestation was promptly sorted, and yes, a year later, we had sufficient funds to make our move.

After a completing the positive thinking class with Amanda, I continued with Raja Yoga meditation. This class covered the principles of become connected with your spiritual self and your relationship with the world, through meditation. I found the principles taught were extremely universal and therefore easy to relate to and digest.

Upon completion, whilst I could have continued to learn more, I felt that it was time to move on. I was inspired by the gentle nature and selfless hospitality of these people and certainly felt all the better for the experience.

The way in which I saw the world, and my place within it, had certainly changed. Whilst the episode with the car may seem a little trivial, I realized that I had placed so much of my happiness on material things. If I wasn’t able to freely give to others, without a sense of loss, then I was still attached to a world where lack and limitation was the foundation, rather than the true sense of wealth and abundance.

Amanda said that we should be able to give away our belongings without a sense of attachment, this is not to say that we should do this, but to feel grateful for everything that we had in our lives, but not to feel dependant on them for our happiness.

I could see some sense in this. I began to think about how I know many people, including myself at some stage that would feel the need to go shopping, to acquire the sense of enjoyment and satisfaction of buying more ‘stuff’ for that feeling to be short-lived and the sinking feeling of knowing what I had spent.

Realising I had met again, the universal laws of giving, of karma (cause and effect) and of detachment, I wondered what was next on my path of self-discovery.

You can find out more about the Brahma Kumaris World Spiritual University at http://www.bkwsu.com